I’ve been taught to say, “Thank you”, and I’ve been thoroughly taught. Sometimes I overdo it, particularly when I’m feeling uncomfortable for any number of reasons. Sometimes in processing what has occurred, if momentarily stunned or confused, I may miss the moment to express thanks. Overall, I like saying “Thank you”, as it recognizes a kindness, the giving of a gift, a shared conversation, an expression of caring I’ve received; and in that, “Thank you” or another response completes the interaction. I enjoy acknowledging people and especially, acknowledging goodness.
I make cards from my photos. Some are beautiful. Some are funny or clever as I design a card when so inspired. I sometimes laugh out loud as I’m designing, inscribing, and putting the card in the mail. My problem is, I don’t always get a “thank you” when I think the card is in some way exceptional. I have to admit, I must really work to not judge, and get over myself when it happens. It’s beyond me, that the person doesn’t let me know they received my unique greeting. I have two such situations in mind, one from several years ago, on which I still have a charge. Even so, I’m deciding now to forgive all that I’ve made of these situations so I can think lovingly. I’m going to practice sending a card without any stickiness attached—without any expectation. I’m ready to learn to give for the sake of giving; doing for someone for the sake of helping; speaking a kind word simply to express kindness. In fact, I’m going to surrender all my unloving thoughts until they are gone.
I’m missing the mark if in giving, I expect something back.
Of course, this is my problem. Do I make and send cards, so you praise me and tell me how wonderful I am? If so, let me learn to make and send cards for the sole purpose of extending my love. If I can't do this simple thing and send a card without needing something back, I'm missing the mark and giving has now become conditional. Yes, it's fun to acknowledge together what is funny or beautiful, but this is a mess! Do you even want me to send a card or be of help with this weapon of judgment waiting to be pointed at your head?
Gratefully, this is not my customary behavior and I'm sharing my experience to bring awareness to such unpleasant reactions. Although our triggers differ, I believe these are common experiences. I've learned that the meaning I give anything is the meaning I want it to have. If I'm still holding a grievance or judgment, it's what I am still choosing in place of love and happiness. Let’s be honest. We’ve all had countless opportunities to resolve past upsets. In fact, I’d say every moment since the event occurred is a moment in which we have not decided to forgive and grow in character. Frankly, if I’m still holding the upset, it's what I’m opting to think and feel about you, and for myself, I’m still choosing to not be happy.
Rigorous honesty is the essential filter that encourages a willingness to change.
For me, when I say it bluntly, it forces me to consider what I’m doing and encourages change. I’m a fan of 12-step programs that teach us to employ rigorous honesty when assessing our behavior, our character. Such an honest look at ourselves brings into focus the necessary change that allows us to live more loving, meaningful, guiltless lives free of addictions or disturbing behaviors. Besides, it’s impossible to hold a hurt or a judgment and feel joy. Truly, we do want to feel joy.
These are not necessarily conscious choices. These situations can be so very difficult to overcome because they get under our skin and like for me, I just can't understand how someone would fail to thank me when I send what I've judged to be "such a great card." It helps for me to consider:
- Is what I would do a litmus test for what you should do?
- Do I really expect you to behave like me?
- Do I really want to make failure to express thanks a reason to withhold my love? (Undeniably, our unresolved issues are a block to love.)
- Am I twelve years old, or what?
The cards are just one example of a myriad of circumstances to which this conversation applies. It’s really not about the cards at all. It’s about allowing people to show up as they do and to look upon all behaviors with love. We can truly afford to laugh at ourselves. Perhaps laughter even helps loosen hooks that are our attachments and preferences. Additionally, I must be aware that I may also be the one offending.
Many of us are still learning how to give and receive.
I've observed as well that today people often say:
- “I’m good.” in lieu of “No, thank you.”
- “Sure” in place of “Yes, thank you” or “You’re welcome”
- something to lessen the value of the gift being offered
- nothing.
How can it matter? Decidedly, many of us experience discomfort in giving and receiving and so these experiences occur. I'm willing to grow in my comfort in giving and receiving, tossing any expectation and principles of etiquette aside. In order to grow, we must become more comfortable expressing who we are at the same time we allow and accept others however they express in such harmless situations.
There’s another side to this matter. It’s the aspect in which I myself, want to improve. It’s to say, “You’re welcome.” when someone says, “Thank You” in recognition of my kindness, willingness to be of help, or for some gift I’ve given. Or even “You bet”, “My pleasure”, or “Glad I could help”. At times there’s a glitch for me with this in that I feel a degree of discomfort when someone recognizes my good, that can prevent me from whole-heartedly being present and saying, “You’re welcome”. Instead I make small of the something I gave or did. When I think about it, to say, “You’re welcome”, look someone in the eye and to maybe even smile, would introduce another level of intimacy and “being seen”. I’m going to become conscious of these situations and push myself to increasingly, do just that. Oh boy! “I will not be afraid of love today.” (“A Course in Miracles”, Lesson 282)
“See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.”
We can take this to another level and contemplate Kahlil Gibran’s section, “On Giving”, from “The Prophet”. Gibran raises the bar, making this a very rich endeavor; one that will lift us far beyond how we have been able to live. Here are some stanzas from Gibran:
“And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.”
